After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Randomize
