My hand turned me down
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
