I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
