I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."