i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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