Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
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I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
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I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.