your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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