We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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