I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Someone shattered a urinal.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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