It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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