The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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