I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
