what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
