It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
