Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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