WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Randomize
