You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Blood and glitter go together right?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
