get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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