I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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