does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
