you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Randomize
