I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
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It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
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Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.