I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
21 Of The Most Impressive Things Ever Seen In Porn
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
19 Parents Had Epic Reactions When Catching Their Kids Being “Bad”
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.