tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
21 NSFW Facts About Famous Celebrities That Will Blow Your Mind
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
These Are 19 of the Most Horrible Strangers People Had to Sit Next to
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.