i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
These People Are So Awkward You’ll Get Embarrassed
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
These People Encountered Celebrities in Bizarrely Normal Places
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".