Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
