the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Randomize
