I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
