I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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