Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
