Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
this boner is exhausting
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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