What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
