My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
