I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
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