I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
