Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
