Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
