really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
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