I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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