so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
