hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
