After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
