Will you blow on my dice?
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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