Apparently you make a good broom.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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