I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
