Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
