Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
