somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
