I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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