I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize
