saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
