I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
