I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
