I am spending my child support on dildos
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
