I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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