Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
