I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
