I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
