my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Randomize
