Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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