We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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