I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
