Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
