Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
