I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I want you more than these girls want KFC
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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